Predator Control Project
I had this crazy dream last night. I was a production assistant on a strange talkshow, so I was a viewer, but I was also the host of the show. It was kinda like a PBS fundraiser show, but way different. There were so many vivid and odd details too. Here is how I remember it from the host’s point of view:
Welcome to the Predator Control Project!
Here at PCP, we are working hard to keep America beautiful, and to protect our glorious homeland. For our inaugural hunt this fall, we’re thrilled to announce the following bounties and fair game:
Anyone who sends us the severed left leg of Alaska governor Sarah Palin and/or any of her kin-not to exceed more than 25% of her family’s overall population-will receive 150.00 in cash.
Also, you are free to use low-flying aircraft and helicopters when hunting Governor Palin and her family.
In the case of Idaho governor Butch “Butcher” Otter, PCP-Idaho does not have the allotted state funding to pay you, but the thrill is still yours for a lifetime. Also, according to state law, you must leave 10 breeding pairs of Otter or Otter-descended kin. How you work that out amongst yourselves is entirely up to you.
In Wyoming, you are allowed to shoot anti-wolf lawmakers on sight, but again,. State funding has not yet alloted a bounty prize. We’ll assume you know who to contact to get this on your state’s budget.
Hunting Tips:
* It is most fun to run the individual family members into utter exhaustion, and then fill ‘em up with lead. This is always best achieved with aerial power. If aerial hunting is against the law in your state, hook up with some lobbyists, cause it won’t be difficult to get a bill passed. Within reason, of course. You can’t expect to hover over the Otter kids’ school in yer MI-8MA helicopter.
* In general, to get the most out of your hunt, it is important to have a basic understanding of all the state laws. Bleeding heart humanitarians, unfortunately, raise a hullabaloo and ruin everyone’s hunting experience with their protests and petitions. Know the laws, and always abide by them when you know you can’t grease any palms to break them.
*Wear protective clothing. In some cases, the police might want to shoot back to protect the various officials. We always wear bullet proof everything, Kevlar, shatterproof plexiglass goggles and a serious, serious helmet. Sure, it’s an investment, but the thrill of the hunt and the endless joy of displaying the trophies in your home or office pay out in emotional dividends for years to come. We know this sounds corny in a way, and we’re a heckuva bunch of softies, but anyone who has killed one of these hated predators knows what we’re talking about.
* Lip balm, lip balm, lip balm. Get the good stuff. You’ll thank the lord you did.
*Maintain an open line of communication with your PCP base camp. They must know your coordinates at all times. If you get lost, or your life is endangered, your only hope of survival is your base camp. Do not fuck up on this one.
* Bring high protein snacks. Hunting takes an enormous amount of stamina, focus, willpower and drive. You need to keep the fuel pumping through yer vains if you want to be successful.
* This is not a competition. If you can’t bag a kill without endangering yourself or others, then don’t do it. Your fellow hunters will respect you more for the quality of your hunt, not the quantity of your trophy pile.
To sign up for a guided PCP hunt, or for our information packet to organize your own, go to www.defenders.org
For a great article on the Predator Control Project, go to: http://www.adn.com/front/story/9253882p-9168881c.html
Looking forward to seeing you on the always happy hunting grounds!
Fucken crazy dream, huh?
This is when the lights all dimmed on the stage and the director yelled “CUT! IT’S A WRAP!” and my production assistant-self started running around, wrapping up electrical cords and gathering coffee cups and then I woke up.
Welcome to the Predator Control Project!
Here at PCP, we are working hard to keep America beautiful, and to protect our glorious homeland. For our inaugural hunt this fall, we’re thrilled to announce the following bounties and fair game:
Anyone who sends us the severed left leg of Alaska governor Sarah Palin and/or any of her kin-not to exceed more than 25% of her family’s overall population-will receive 150.00 in cash.
Also, you are free to use low-flying aircraft and helicopters when hunting Governor Palin and her family.
In the case of Idaho governor Butch “Butcher” Otter, PCP-Idaho does not have the allotted state funding to pay you, but the thrill is still yours for a lifetime. Also, according to state law, you must leave 10 breeding pairs of Otter or Otter-descended kin. How you work that out amongst yourselves is entirely up to you.
In Wyoming, you are allowed to shoot anti-wolf lawmakers on sight, but again,. State funding has not yet alloted a bounty prize. We’ll assume you know who to contact to get this on your state’s budget.
Hunting Tips:
* It is most fun to run the individual family members into utter exhaustion, and then fill ‘em up with lead. This is always best achieved with aerial power. If aerial hunting is against the law in your state, hook up with some lobbyists, cause it won’t be difficult to get a bill passed. Within reason, of course. You can’t expect to hover over the Otter kids’ school in yer MI-8MA helicopter.
* In general, to get the most out of your hunt, it is important to have a basic understanding of all the state laws. Bleeding heart humanitarians, unfortunately, raise a hullabaloo and ruin everyone’s hunting experience with their protests and petitions. Know the laws, and always abide by them when you know you can’t grease any palms to break them.
*Wear protective clothing. In some cases, the police might want to shoot back to protect the various officials. We always wear bullet proof everything, Kevlar, shatterproof plexiglass goggles and a serious, serious helmet. Sure, it’s an investment, but the thrill of the hunt and the endless joy of displaying the trophies in your home or office pay out in emotional dividends for years to come. We know this sounds corny in a way, and we’re a heckuva bunch of softies, but anyone who has killed one of these hated predators knows what we’re talking about.
* Lip balm, lip balm, lip balm. Get the good stuff. You’ll thank the lord you did.
*Maintain an open line of communication with your PCP base camp. They must know your coordinates at all times. If you get lost, or your life is endangered, your only hope of survival is your base camp. Do not fuck up on this one.
* Bring high protein snacks. Hunting takes an enormous amount of stamina, focus, willpower and drive. You need to keep the fuel pumping through yer vains if you want to be successful.
* This is not a competition. If you can’t bag a kill without endangering yourself or others, then don’t do it. Your fellow hunters will respect you more for the quality of your hunt, not the quantity of your trophy pile.
To sign up for a guided PCP hunt, or for our information packet to organize your own, go to www.defenders.org
For a great article on the Predator Control Project, go to: http://www.adn.com/front/story/9253882p-9168881c.html
Looking forward to seeing you on the always happy hunting grounds!
Fucken crazy dream, huh?
This is when the lights all dimmed on the stage and the director yelled “CUT! IT’S A WRAP!” and my production assistant-self started running around, wrapping up electrical cords and gathering coffee cups and then I woke up.
posted by ingalagringa at
Monday, October 08, 2007
